Hello Bloggerverse

As you can gather from my handle, I have sowed my seed and my wife has borne the fruits of my loins.  Just over five years ago now Julia and I decided that using sex just for pleasure would not suffice so we made the fateful irreversible decision to breed.

Fast forward the nearly five years and we now have Bella who is nearly four and a half and quite bizarrely we also have Eden who will be two in December.  I use bizarrely as you would think that we would have learnt from our first faux pas, but alas as humans we let history repeat itself on a regular basis.

To gain insight into the sleepless turbulent torture filled years leading up to this point you may get my book ‘I Will Fart On Your Dreams’ which is available on Amazon here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00KAA1B1W?*Version*=1&*entries*=0

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KAA1B1W

In the book I tell the truthful side of parenting, not the romanticised crap peddled by the baby industry trying to make us believe that parenting is all roses and cuddles.

Believe me now when I tell you that there are highly trained Special Forces operatives that would be left cowering in the corner if left alone with a young child.  I have written the book to help prepare unsuspecting parents for what will really happen once they take the parenting plunge and for people who choose not to breed to feel justified in their choice.  The irony is that each little critter is unique and thus each of their torture methods will differ.  What my book will enable you to do is be prepared for anything and everything.  The blog will be updated regularly to help keep a chronological record of Julia and my slow unavoidable demise at the hands of our children.

 What is it like to live with a four and a half and a two year old I hear you ask.  There are not enough adjectives in the English language to describe what our household is like.  Bella can now talk and communicate quite effectively.  Of course when I say effectively, I mean as effective as a four year olds logic will allow.  For example; Eden fell on one of her plastic toys that she had left lying in the middle of the floor.  Of course as fate would have it the plastic toy was obliterated by our youngest in the fall.

If the two children were world super powers nuclear war would have started immediately; no mediation and happy endings.  Bella was highly upset with Eden’s clumsy behaviour and was having nothing to do with the concept that just maybe it was actually her fault in the first place.  The reason we tried to get Bella to see that just maybe she should take some responsibility is due to the fact that she is the one who left the toy lying around.  Trying to use a disaster to illustrate to a toddler why mommy and daddy say things should be done a certain way will not always work.  Bella could not or would not join the dots to see that if she had put her toys away like we ask her to do then the breakage would not have happened.

Conflict resolution is not what four year olds excel at.  According to Bella, Eden immediately became public enemy number one as she had done it on purpose.  The reason being is that she had been running around like a hooligan and thus because she chose to run around in this fashion then obviously she broke said item on purpose.

Eden showed immediate remorse for having broken Bella’s toy and adorably ran up to her trying to hug her and say sorry.  Now this seems cute and appropriate behaviour for what she did but we fear that she thinks that she can do what she wants as long as she gives a hug and says sorry.  To illustrate this here is a little example.

The other morning I was in bed and Eden was with me.  She woke up and decided that if she is awake then clearly I should be awake too.  This is very common amongst children.  I was awake but thought I would pretend to still be sleeping to see what she would do.  Eden proceeded to slap me in the face as hard as she could whilst yelling ‘WAKE UP DADDY!’  Every five or so slaps she would stop and hug me and say ‘Sorry Daddy’ and then carry on with her endeavours to wake me.

You would think that having already lived through Bella’s two’s it would adequately prepare us to deal with another one; no this is not the case!  Of course the Universe would be in on the torture plans and thus will make sure that the two children are like chalk and cheese.  I do understand Bella’s frustration with her little sister.  The child is a walking hurricane.  She will enter a room do a lap of that room and leave it looking like a disaster area.  She is compliant when you get her to clean up but that is done in a similar fashion to her personality; pick up all the toys and pile them into the toy box!

Our lives in the Farrell household are truly never boring and I am sure this trend will carry on for many years to come.  While the girls are too young to stop me from sharing their exploits with all and sundry on the internet I shall do so.  So blogger-verse here is the first of many and all you parents out there I hope from reading what I have and will write that you realise the most important thing about parenting; you are not alone in your madness all parents are suffering.

May the force be with you!

Purchase I Will Fart On Your Dreams here!