Why?

As with how life works, we tend to forget the trials and tribulations that we go through very quickly.  This is why after women have had a child they are willing to have a second or even a third.  They forget about all the discomfort that went with being pregnant.  The cravings, flatulence, aching body, swollen ankles, itching skin, sleepless nights and countless other ailments.  They also seem to forget what it was like squeezing a baby through their nether regions.

I have witnessed this forgetfulness on numerous occasions when our girls were babies.  We would be out somewhere and some women would walk up and oogle the baby longing to be the one with an infant.  Or even better watching Julia react to women who would come up to her when she was a few weeks from popping and say how much they missed being pregnant and how lucky she is.  How to get a woman to commit murder 101: tell her how lucky she is to be in constant discomfort!

This forgetfulness seems also to apply to us dads.  I was very willing to help Julia out when we decided to have a second child.  I failed to remember what it was like to live with a pregnant woman.  How my prized member went to being the star of my show, to being dropped from the cast in a few short weeks.  How the hormone roller-coaster took over my household.  These were all things that slipped my mind at the first offer of unlimited action.  Call me fickle but I am a boy at the end of the day!

This forgetfulness amongst us parents also extends to our children.  Maybe we as parents are so forgetful due to our constant state of fatigue through the sleepless nights, and living with humans who just seem to have a direct link to an absolute endless supply of universal energy.  We seem only to recall the happy occasions and not some of the more trying periods that we experience whilst trying to raise our offspring.  This is probably courtesy of our modern lifestyles where we so easily can capture our happy moments with a variety of devices that we have at our disposal.  So whenever we look around our houses, we see pictures of happy contented babies and children.

This clouds our judgement and causes us to fail to remember that the baby/child is not always happy or content, as the walls in our homes and on facebook would have us believe.  We forget that the smiling , sleeping baby also has the ability to cry non-stop for hours on end.  Or that we have to walk up and down for an eternity just to get them to sleep.  We forget the endless debates with the toddler as to why they should eat their dinner and how NikNaks or Mars Bars are not a suitable meal.

We get so excited when our little ones start to display their own individuality.  We forget that with this new found individuality comes a whole host of other issues for us, the doting parents.  Now you no longer have the option of just getting a bowl/plate out and putting the child's food on it.  No, each day the child will have to tell you which bowl/plate will be suitable for them to use.  You are also guaranteed of choosing the wrong one if you have not consulted them first.

This individuality will extend to their wardrobe too.  Mommy would have laid out the clothing for the next day, which will have been chosen after a thorough weather check.  In the morning your little one will have their own ideas about what outfit is required.  Don't for one second think that you will be able to discern their thought process in their choices.  We have had fights about why Bella should not wear her Wellington's in the middle of summer.  Sometimes you just have to let them do what they want or you truly will not leave the house any time soon; a toddler can argue indefinitely.

With Eden my forgetfulness has caught me out.  She has been slowly learning to talk over the last few months.  This has proved quite exciting for all of us in the household.  She says cute things and makes us smile when she says "I Love you," out of the blue and for no reason.  All this cuteness meant that I forgot what learning to speak brings with it.  It brings an inevitability that all toddlers will learn.

When they learn to talk it is only a matter of time before they will learn the dreaded word "Why?"  I had forgotten all about this until a week ago when I was chatting to Eden and she began three consecutive exchanges with "Why?"  Now if she asks me something and I answer then without fail the next word out of her mouth will be "Why?"  When I answer this she will again question my answer with "Why?"

You can feel like your toddler is trying to make your brain implode with this tactic because it will just go on and on and on.  They will even ask you why they have made a certain decision.  For example; I will ask Eden what she wants for breakfast.  She will tell me she wants Wheat-Bix.  I will give her, her requested item only for her to look at me and say "Why?"  In my fatigued state I will unfortunately take the bait and tell her that she asked for them to which she will reply, you guessed it, with "Why?"

After ten minutes of her asking me why after every reply Julia will come into the kitchen to find me huddled in the corner in the foetal position screaming "Make the bad person stop!!!"  To which Eden will reply "Why?" http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KAA1B1W

A Hero for a Second

As parents of young children we often feel a whole host of emotions on a daily basis.  The swing between these emotions is constant; happy, sad, frustrated, neglected, downtrodden, blessed, numb and many more all brought about by our own choices.  We chose to breed thus we are the cause of this rollercoaster even though we like to blame our little terrors.  I personally am still going to blame the girls for a long time.  At least until they figure out that it was us who chose to produce them and not some accident.  Well with Eden accident might be slightly more applicable as we conceived about six weeks before we were going to officially start trying.

One thing that we must not forget to appreciate is that we have the ability to help our little ones experience a host of emotions on their journeys.  Whilst they are young, appreciate the fact that you can easily help them experience intense moments of awe.  This ability will diminish exponentially as they grow older and wiser; not sure if wiser is the correct adjective.  Whilst they are still ignorant of so many things in this world use it to your advantage because you can bet your retirement on the fact that when they are teenagers the tables will turn.

I look at my two girls and the ability to amaze them brings me so much pleasure.  Last night Bella drew a picture for me.  She left it lying next to my work bag presumably so that I would discover it in the morning.  I didn't know about this until Julia told me that I must not forget the picture.  I looked at it and discovered that she had traced her hand.  I placed the folded piece of paper back where I had found it.

This morning Bella told me that she had left a picture for me by my bag.  I seized my opportunity to help her experience some awe.  Instead of going over to the picture and pretending never to have seen it before, I looked at her and said that I can guess what she drew.  I looked at her intently and placed my fingers against my temples and then said that I see shapes that go up and down and have round ends.  I then dropped my fingers looked at her wide eyed and said "You drew your hand!"  The look on her face was priceless.  She could not believe that I had guessed what she had drawn for me.

At the moment Bella is rather in awe of her parents ability to know things that they should not know.  As it goes with this time of year, Bella is participating in a Christmas concert with her class in a few weeks time.  Thus the children are spending a lot of time practising the songs that they are going to be singing.  We suspect that the children have been told not to tell us what they are singing but I am sure the teachers knew that the kids suck at keeping secrets.

The other night Bella told Julia that she didn't want a bedtime story, she would rather practise one of her Christmas songs with Julia.  The song that she wanted to practise was 'We Wish you a Merry Christmas', who would have guessed that they would sing this.  After a few renditions Julia says "Lets try another song," and breaks into a screeching version of 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'.  Bella was floored.  She wanted to know how on earth Mommy knew what one of the other songs that they had been practising was.  She was very impressed with her mother indeed.

Not to be out done, I asked Bella in the morning if I might be permitted a chance to tell her what the third song her class would be singing was.  As we are an overly religious country it didn't take a genius to figure out what the third song will more than likely be.  I took a calculated guess and broke into a melodic interpretation of 'Silent Night.'  Once again we had a very suitably impressed four year old in our midst.  As they get older you to put more effort into creating the awe.

With Eden on the other hand it is much easier.  At the moment simple things inspire awe in our youngest.  One of my favourite ways is to wait until I have a suitable amount of flatulence on board and then to politely ask her to pull my finger.  The problem with this is she is so impressed that she immediately wants to pull my finger again, but alas the trick doesn't work like that.  Equally impressive to young Eden is my ability to fall asleep immediately if she puts her dummy in my mouth.  Of course the opposite works, in that I will wake up as soon as she takes it out.  She will even use the dummy trick if she comes through and finds me lying on the bed 'sleeping'.  She will then get her dummy and force it into my mouth and pull it out at once knowing that I will instantly wake up.

As much as you want to inflict the same psychological pain and torture that they cause us, do take time to inspire awe in your little ones while you can.  If fuels their imaginations and the belief that they live in a world full of magic and impossible outcomes.  All too soon our harsh cruel world will drum this out of them and it is always a wonderful thing to be someone's hero, even if it is only for a second...

Grandparents perpetuate our suffering!

Maybe it is how we as parents will one day get our own back on our children for all the suffering that they inflicted on us when they were growing up.  We will team up with our children's kids and strive to make their lives hell when they choose to breed one day.

Granny and Granddad get away with murder when it comes to our kids.  Your little monster wants a sugary treat and Granny and Granddad hand it over without getting authorisation from us the parental units first.  They do this as they know that they will get to enjoy the child and will more than likely not have to deal with the creature that emerges after the sugar rush has died down.

This creature is irate, angry, irrational and generally not very pleasant to be around.  You cannot reason with a child who is crashing after a sugar high.  There is nothing that will fix them and we as the parents just have to deal with the results of Granny and Granddads well laid plans.

The grandparent’s torture extends further than just providing your little critters with sugar rushes.  They will purchase them things that need to be assembled.  As with our modern world these days things are about efficiency and cost cutting.  Thus nine times out of ten a new toy or piece of furniture will come flat packed in a box.  This means that the manufacturer saves on storage space and on labour costs as the idiot who opens the box now becomes the companies labour.  As usual with these items it says 'easily assembled' on the box.

This is a lie!  I am sure there are many people who will tell you about the trials and tribulations experienced whilst assembling these 'easily assembled' items.  Christmas Eve is meant to be a fun and relaxed time for the family.  Before the kids go to bed it might be but afterwards stress levels sky rocket.  This happens as countless parents of young kids find themselves trying to assemble the gifts that require assembly.  It is easier to try and do this before the morning as the little devils will not leave you to do it in peace once they have received their items.  A bicycle looks much better standing with a ribbon by the tree than flat in a box.

Our last Christmas Eve was spent trying to assemble a Wendy house and a bicycle both well thought out gifts sent by Grandparents who wanted us to suffer.  It is probably a good idea for these things to be assembled when the kids are not around as if they watch they may pick up a number of unsuitable words.

This year is going to be no different in our house.  My mother has gone out of her way to make our lives difficult.  As far as I can recall I was not that much trouble as a child but my mother seems to disagree with me on this one.  A few months ago when we were discussing the girls moving into the same room at the end of the year my mother said she would get them bunk beds for Christmas.  What a nice idea, if they came assembled! The beds do not so I have something awesome to look forward to; 8 hours of torture as I try and decipher the instructions that have been translated from Chinese by Google!

Granny must have been thinking that she could have done better in making Julia and my life difficult.  Last week Granny phones me to tell me that the taxman was kind to her and she would like to get the girls something else.  I am thinking books or DVD's, no assembly required.  No I am wrong.  With a snigger she tells me she is buying them a 10ft trampoline with a net!  Of course when it arrives it is in a box with 'easily assembled' written on the side!

We have derived a little bit of humour from this situation.  The boxes for the bed and now the trampoline are in the garage and the girls, especially Bella are very curious as to what they contain.  I have told them that they should learn to read as the contents are written on the side.  This is not Bella's only concern with regards to Eden moving in to her room.

She has gathered that when this happens then they will get bunk beds.  What she is extremely concerned about is how we will manage to get these big bunk beds into her room as the passage and the doorway are quite small.  I helped the situation by telling her that they can have the bunk beds but they will have to sleep outside in the garden.

So take heed of this warning and be wary when you see your children's grandparents approaching your kids with gifts as their motives may not be as pure as you think.

I Will Fart On Your Dreams - Available here

Hello Bloggerverse

As you can gather from my handle, I have sowed my seed and my wife has borne the fruits of my loins.  Just over five years ago now Julia and I decided that using sex just for pleasure would not suffice so we made the fateful irreversible decision to breed.

Fast forward the nearly five years and we now have Bella who is nearly four and a half and quite bizarrely we also have Eden who will be two in December.  I use bizarrely as you would think that we would have learnt from our first faux pas, but alas as humans we let history repeat itself on a regular basis.

To gain insight into the sleepless turbulent torture filled years leading up to this point you may get my book ‘I Will Fart On Your Dreams’ which is available on Amazon here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00KAA1B1W?*Version*=1&*entries*=0

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KAA1B1W

In the book I tell the truthful side of parenting, not the romanticised crap peddled by the baby industry trying to make us believe that parenting is all roses and cuddles.

Believe me now when I tell you that there are highly trained Special Forces operatives that would be left cowering in the corner if left alone with a young child.  I have written the book to help prepare unsuspecting parents for what will really happen once they take the parenting plunge and for people who choose not to breed to feel justified in their choice.  The irony is that each little critter is unique and thus each of their torture methods will differ.  What my book will enable you to do is be prepared for anything and everything.  The blog will be updated regularly to help keep a chronological record of Julia and my slow unavoidable demise at the hands of our children.

 What is it like to live with a four and a half and a two year old I hear you ask.  There are not enough adjectives in the English language to describe what our household is like.  Bella can now talk and communicate quite effectively.  Of course when I say effectively, I mean as effective as a four year olds logic will allow.  For example; Eden fell on one of her plastic toys that she had left lying in the middle of the floor.  Of course as fate would have it the plastic toy was obliterated by our youngest in the fall.

If the two children were world super powers nuclear war would have started immediately; no mediation and happy endings.  Bella was highly upset with Eden’s clumsy behaviour and was having nothing to do with the concept that just maybe it was actually her fault in the first place.  The reason we tried to get Bella to see that just maybe she should take some responsibility is due to the fact that she is the one who left the toy lying around.  Trying to use a disaster to illustrate to a toddler why mommy and daddy say things should be done a certain way will not always work.  Bella could not or would not join the dots to see that if she had put her toys away like we ask her to do then the breakage would not have happened.

Conflict resolution is not what four year olds excel at.  According to Bella, Eden immediately became public enemy number one as she had done it on purpose.  The reason being is that she had been running around like a hooligan and thus because she chose to run around in this fashion then obviously she broke said item on purpose.

Eden showed immediate remorse for having broken Bella’s toy and adorably ran up to her trying to hug her and say sorry.  Now this seems cute and appropriate behaviour for what she did but we fear that she thinks that she can do what she wants as long as she gives a hug and says sorry.  To illustrate this here is a little example.

The other morning I was in bed and Eden was with me.  She woke up and decided that if she is awake then clearly I should be awake too.  This is very common amongst children.  I was awake but thought I would pretend to still be sleeping to see what she would do.  Eden proceeded to slap me in the face as hard as she could whilst yelling ‘WAKE UP DADDY!’  Every five or so slaps she would stop and hug me and say ‘Sorry Daddy’ and then carry on with her endeavours to wake me.

You would think that having already lived through Bella’s two’s it would adequately prepare us to deal with another one; no this is not the case!  Of course the Universe would be in on the torture plans and thus will make sure that the two children are like chalk and cheese.  I do understand Bella’s frustration with her little sister.  The child is a walking hurricane.  She will enter a room do a lap of that room and leave it looking like a disaster area.  She is compliant when you get her to clean up but that is done in a similar fashion to her personality; pick up all the toys and pile them into the toy box!

Our lives in the Farrell household are truly never boring and I am sure this trend will carry on for many years to come.  While the girls are too young to stop me from sharing their exploits with all and sundry on the internet I shall do so.  So blogger-verse here is the first of many and all you parents out there I hope from reading what I have and will write that you realise the most important thing about parenting; you are not alone in your madness all parents are suffering.

May the force be with you!

Purchase I Will Fart On Your Dreams here!